Confronting Myself: Hot Girl Turned Warm

I’ve been struggling with being alone lately. My alone has been feeling more like loneliness.
And in my loneliness, I’ve longed for romantic comfort, affection, assurance, and loving support.
I have been wanting to know that everything will be okay because it’s honestly not feeling like that right now.
In my loneliness I’ve sought out temporary highs and feel good moments only to feel lonelier afterwards.
I don’t want temporary anymore and I have to also show that in my actions.
As soothing and comforting as the temporary feel goods are in the moment, I only end up wanting more.
Knowing that I can’t have more hurts me. I don’t want to feel that kind of hurt anymore.

“Accountability goes both ways…”

I am no longer emotionally unavailable.
I’m ready for something long term, commitment, and God willing marriage.
I have learned that I do myself a disservice when I allow a man close to me who isn't ready to or doesn't have intentions for long term commitment.
I also do myself a disservice when I’m not upfront with what I’m looking for; accountability goes both ways.
I do myself more of a disservice when I don’t set and maintain boundaries around my heart due to what I’m ready for; this is a truth I’ve been avoiding to accept.

“Examining emotional capacity is necessary…”

While this has been a necessary confrontation with myself, I share it publicly because this is a lot of my peers’ current reality.
As we grow older, our romantic desires change and get stronger.
Examining our capacity for our desires and emotional capacity becomes necessary.
More importantly, examining our capacity to manage the desires and emotional capacity of others is crucial.
The outcome of these examinations will ultimately reveal the necessary actions we must make to protect our hearts and those we care about.
Sometimes those actions come in the form of abrupt cease of communication and/or boundaries being created.
Regardless of the action, the intention is to protect ourselves and those we care about.
The intentions are good, the experience feels painful, but the outcome is growth.

I am still healing through feelings of rejection and abandonment I’ve experienced in the past.
This season of examination is painful,
and it’s difficult to resist leaning into a temporary moment of feeling good.
What I have to keep reminding myself, "Your growth is dependent on you making different decisions, if you want different results." I can't run from this, I have to sit with it.

For everyone else, wherever you are in your growth journey,
continuously examine yourself and surroundings.
Don't avoid it, examine it.
It will be painful but there's growth on the other side.

Photo by Stanislav Kondratiev on Unsplash