Navigating Situationships: If You Don’t Love Yourself, You’re Playing Yourself

First of all, are you still in a situationship or nah?

I wish I could give you a sure-fire way to stop going down a road you, your mama, and all of your friends know you shouldn’t be traveling in. The truth is it’s hard as hell! It will take time and a significant amount of discipline to stop dealing with someone who your mind keeps telling you NO!

But your body! Your body keeps telling you YESSS!

One thing I know for sure is, change starts in the mind. If your mind is dead set on kicking your boydiction, there’s hope. Otherwise sis, with all due respect (and I say this to myself too), carry on with your clown tendencies until your mind is sure it wants something better and wants to receive support.

Based on my ongoing personal experiences and glow up, I have created 10 Self-Love Commandments to help reroute our vehicles from the dead end situationships we keep ourselves in. We will voyage through the 10 Self- Love Commandments in ascending order. Laying the foundation for self-love and discovery to begin, #1 being the most important commandment.

All 10 of the Self-Love Commandments have an action call to ultimately do for YOU MORE than you do for these men. As women, we are guilty of giving more energy into anything and everyone else than we give to ourselves. There is something that pulls us back every time we try to leave these men. Whatever the reason, it’s imperative we (not just you, because all of us women have been there) discover the root cause. We will get to the root by unpacking what is going on internally. But listen! in order to discover the root we must be willing to remove ourselves from the situationship by any means necessary!

The last time I shared with all of you, we peeled back the layers of deciding if a situationship works for you. The takeaway points were to know yourself and to practice honesty. So ladies, while learning to love ourselves this is exactly what we will continue do; practice honesty.

Let’s get into the first commandment.

1. Thou shall love yourself with the same intensity you love these men.  

Often times we shout to the highest mountain, “I love myself!” But what does that love actually resemble? Does that love mirror some of the unhealthy examples of love we collected in our childhood like a game of pick-up basketball?

If so, it’s fair to ponder, “Do I actually love myself?”

Without a doubt, we all desire to be loved. Although love looks different for us all, it’s undeniable a few basic actions and characteristics represent love.

Question: How do I know he loves me?

Answer: Consistent actions of selflessness demonstrated over time without expectation of reciprocity.

If we were to take a microscopic look into every dynamic of love, we would witness one person giving something up for the betterment of another. We often see this kind of selfless love demonstrated in parents, friendships, and romantic partners. Taking into consideration the long list of “what love is,” is it safe to say love is sacrifice? Yes.

Based on love being sacrifice within interpersonal relationship, let’s turn the lens on ourselves.

Question: How do you know when you love yourself?

Answer: Consistent actions of selfishness for the betterment of your mental health and personal growth demonstrated overtime.

I hope haven’t lost you- if I have, I’d like to present you with case study “Nora.”

Nora was a 28-year-old black woman who boasted about having high levels of confidence and self-love. However, Nora perpetually found herself cuddling with unrequited love. Whether it was friendships, romantic partners, workplace, or church, Nora displayed high levels of love without receiving what she was putting in. Over time, this demonstration of love drained Nora, often resulting in self-blame and a decrease of self-worth. One day, Nora had an epiphany triggered by a resurfaced past experience. For the umpteenth time Nora was in another confusing situationship. Despite her efforts of transparent communication, the return on Nora’s investment was unrequited love. For the first time, Nora chose to reflect on how she found herself in prolonged unhealthy patterns of unrequited love. The light bulb looming over her head switched on. Nora realized that she played an equal role in accepting the unhealthy love she thought she deserved. As a result, Nora decided to stop watering infertile soil. By discontinuing her engagement in a situationship, Nora chose to start the process of breaking the cycle of accepting unhealthy love. She chose herself and realized she finally began to love herself, it was liberating.

With Nora as a point of reference in practicing honesty and looking into ourselves deeper, I pose the questions and answers above again.

How do you know when someone loves you?   

Consistent actions of selflessness demonstrated overtime without expectation of reciprocity

How do you know when you love yourself?  

Consistent actions of selfishness for the betterment of your mental health and personal growth demonstrated overtime

In layman’s terms,

If he loves you, he will sacrifice for you!

He will move mountains and cross oceans for you without expecting reciprocity.

He will give up time for you.

He will plan a future with you in mind.

He will consider you.

He will put you first before himself in all things because while he’s watering your roses with selfless love, he’s also watering his bed of roses; resulting in  a garden of love being cultivated between the both of you for the world to see.

If he isn’t giving up time for you, planning a future with you in mind, considering you, putting you first; sis he is not sacrificing for you, ergo he does not love you. Leave him alone. You must aggressively choose yourself and chuck the deuces.

As I said earlier, you must DECIDE to remove yourself from the situationship by any means necessary. Understand the power of choice beloved!

“Yes” or “No” has power!

“Maybe, idk, we’ll see” lacks power!

Indecision is also a decision. Do not voluntarily get into an unhealthy, ambiguous ride with a man. As long as you actively decide to stay in a place that is not helping you grow, sis —  you are dying. You are choosing to be a participant in your internal death.

Love yourself with the same intensity with which you are willing to love these men during their bouts of uncertainty.

Sacrifice for yourself! Hold yourself accountable as well! If you know what you want out of an interaction with a man, ask those hard and uncomfortable questions. If the responses do not match your vision leave him alone. Choosing yourself is a selfish, self-sacrifice you must be willing to make.

Unapologetically put yourself first, and while you’re at it, dump the guilt you might have about it in the trash. Move mountains and cross oceans for yourself; allowing strength, courage, and wisdom to spew from your fortified ebony legs!

Make time for yourself!

Plan for yourself!

Consider yourself!

If you love yourself, you will put yourself first in all things because while you are watering your roses with selfish love for the betterment of your mental health and self-growth, a bed of regal roses are blooming from your roots, and a garden of self-love is being cultivated for the world to see.

“Why choose him when it’s time to choose you”

-Chaka Khan,” Keep Your Head Up,” Tyler Perry’s Madea Family Reunion