Waving the White Flag: A Black Woman's Surrender

Foreword

As a Black woman, we land on a double edged sword when some of the Black men in our lives exhibit behavior that mirrors the systemically racist society we live in - it truly perpetuates the oppression we experience daily. Black men, some of you invalidate our entire being by dismissing our emotions and gaslighting us. Those actions alone, is manipulation and emotional abuse. Black women live in a society where we are constantly fighting for our voices to be heard - to be seen.
Black men, when some of you victim blame Black women, you perpetuate this fight.

This particular Black women, me, is exhausted from fighting. The past three weeks have been a fight for my voice in the workplace and with the men in my life. I’m tired, Black women are tired. Black men, it’s not enough to be well read about Black women if the literature isn’t applied. Otherwise, what you’re selling is a facade and continues the oppression of Black women.

Photo Source: Pixabay

Photo Source: Pixabay

Waving the White Flag: A Black Woman's Surrender

I’m tired of some Black men putting on the facade that they’re pro Black woman! You, Black men who boast about black love and how well read you are, but in practice, you oppress Black women just as much, if not worse than the systemically racist society we exist in. Behind the scenes, you’re manipulative, you play the victim, you project your insecurities, you lack the capacity to express your emotions in a healthy manner, your actions are full of confusion, gaslighting, dismission, and contradictions, all at the expense of Black women.

It’s repulsive and sad, some Black women do too much to meet you where you’re at, model healthy communication, and love but for some of you that’s discounted. And one can only assume it’s because you’re not used to seeing what a healthy expression of emotion looks like. Society and culture has taught you, to be masculine means to be absent of emotional expression. That exact message has been internalized by you and shows up within interpersonal and romantic relationships. Some of you mistreat Black women until she reacts out of character and then you turn around and attempt to paint the picture that she’s “crazy” or “acting out of emotion instead of logic.” This invalidates her experience with you; minimizes and silences her. Your entire mistreatment of a Black woman perpetuates what she already experiences every day in this America.

“The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman.”

-Malcolm X

You, Black man, with the facade. You, Black man with unhealed and unchecked trauma. You, Black man who lack the tools to appropriately communicate, by your blatant disregard of her entire essence, you kill the Black woman you claim to admire inside out. Your mistreatment, lack of physical/emotional protection, and neglect of the Black woman is disrespectful to her.

I am this Black woman.

I don’t have it in me to fight anymore.

This Black woman is waving the white flag,

I surrender. Y’all won.

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A Second Glass of Lemonade: Living Liberated and Pursuing Happiness Post Emotional Abuse

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

It was this time last year where I saw the horizon beyond the dark clouds of my breakup. After four months mourning, Beyonce’s war cry pierced through my soul like a double edged sword, “I’m telling these tears go and fall away, fall away. May the last one burn into flames...”

“I’m telling these tears go and fall away, fall away. May the last one burn into flames…”

I felt my body slowly emerge out of the grave I dug for myself. Phenomenally, I began to rise.
Phenomenal woman, I was becoming.

Two years ago, the pressures of settling down caused me to dumb down and settle into a settlement that stripped me bare naked of the woman I thought I was supposed to be. I willingly bound myself to a man that lacked the capacity to cultivate the garden of my greatness. Overtime, the relationship depleted me of my goodness- left me barren to myself and others. 

“Damn, did this man physically abuse her?” You’re probably thinking.
No, but his inability to effectively communicate and mange conflict bludgeoned me. He reached for my insecurities like a pistol on his hip. Whenever the opportunity was present, I was target practice. Every instance of critique and humiliation reduced my esteem. I found myself pitifully burying seeds in his garden to find validation in him. I came up short at every harvest, for, bad soil can’t grow healthy fruit.

I was perpetually gaslighted, which gave birth to me regularly questioning my reality, doubting myself- old thoughts of self-harm resurfaced. His mismatched words and actions led me to believe that I was the problem. As a result, I distanced myself from friends and erased all traces of me from social media. Those closest to me noticed the isolation and shared their concerns. But I coveted “the husband” more than my own sanity. I didn’t heed their counsel, in my eyes they were being haters who didn’t want to see me happy. 

This unhealthy version of love I thought I deserved pushed me to the edge. I conflated biblical context and convinced myself that if I loved him selflessly the way The Bible says to love others that maybe things would change. If I prayed and fasted longer and harder that maybe he would finally see how much I was approaching my breaking point and change his behavior. 
That never happened. 

The straw that broke the camel’s back was me admitting that in seeking comfort elsewhere, I was unfaithful. Of course he raged and shamed me, publicly wrote my indiscretions in the sand for others to throw stones at me. But time showed me that the most embarrassing thing became the most beautiful thing. We both finally let go, I was free from the prison I voluntarily stayed in. In the words of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I was free at last, free at last thank God almighty, I was free at last!

So, to answer your question, no, I didn’t experience physical abuse. However, the emotional abuse was hella real. I experienced a textbook case of an emotionally abusive relationship. Mortified that me of all people was in this situation, I remained quiet about it, until now. To be clear, I’m not advocating infidelity but oddly enough in my situation that was the only indecent act that stopped the detrimental roller-coaster I was on.

I’m able to look back on that experience with a lot more insight and wisdom. This past Fourth of July circa 2017, I exercised my unalienable right of being endowed with life, liberty, and happiness and celebrated my growth with friends. I remembered where I was 4th of July 2016, poured myself a second glass of lemonade, and danced harder.
 

With the help of family and close friends, I now shine brighter, smile harder, and think sharper. I’m opening the doors I was once too bashful to open. My glow up has been amazing and tears flood my eyes every time I think about the journey. This is an ongoing journey that I fully embrace with discernment and patience. Yes, at a vibrant 28 I desire romantic relationship but I’m in no rush. I’m leveling up, no longer abandoning my path to get on someone else’s. No longer dimming my light so someone else can shine. As Hattie White eloquently stated on Beyonce’s Lemonade album, “I had my ups and downs but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons but I made lemonade.”

Photo Credit: Patrick O’Neal McDowell III

Photo Credit: Patrick O’Neal McDowell III

“I had my ups and downs but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons but I made lemonade.” 
-Hattie White, Lemonade, Beyonce

All forms of abuse is abuse, it’s unsafe and unhealthy. If you or someone you know needs help call 1–800–799-SAFE (7233) at anytime.

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Black Graduating Class of 2017- We See You

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was a rumble in the firmament showering Black magic unto the earth giving birth to a reign of black excellence among all nations.
From top left to right: April Watson “Masters in Business Administration;” Evelyne Edouard “Masters in Healthcare Management;” Sophia Jean “Bachelor of Arts in Psychology;” Shalanda Duperrier “Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a Minor in Business;…

From top left to right: April Watson “Masters in Business Administration;” Evelyne Edouard “Masters in Healthcare Management;” Sophia Jean “Bachelor of Arts in Psychology;” Shalanda Duperrier “Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a Minor in Business;” Nadiya Ledan “Masters in Education and Human Development;” Dannie Dorrilus “Bachelor of Arts in Public Health;” Leslie Chatelain Jr. “Masters in Public Health;” Josh Brooks “Juris Doctor;” Senai Andikiel “Masters in Environmental Science and Engineering;” Stacey Joseph “Masters in Social Work;” Mervnide Pierre “Certified Nurse Midwife, Masters of Science in Nursing;” Brittany Justine “Juris Doctor;” Devon Austrie “Bachelor of Arts in Economics;” and Laura Kay “Bachelor of Arts in Applied Psychology and Human Development and Math with a Minor in African Studies.”

I don’t know what magic potion of greatness students of color were sippin on this past school semester but it has resulted in the best commemoration ceremonies and cap decor I’ve ever seen. From swag surfin, to hollerin and turning your backs to the current administration’s leaders who aren’t here for your educational prowess.

Class of 2017, you’ve made it and this one is for you! 

To the 14 splendid individuals pictured above who walked across the stage this month, may this congratulations transcend mountains. May it be a never ending reminder that “YOU did this!” Some of you achieved this momentous occasion while taking on full-time positions, parenting, and maintaining a social life. There were also some of you who diligently travailed beyond the pressures of family life, the juggle of balancing bae’s needs, and the stress of mental and physical health just to get to graduation day and scream, “Mama we made it!” How you did all of this while maintaining a whole real life is beyond me but black man, black woman, you did it!

                      (l) Mervnide Pierre and Lodz Joseph (r)                             Photo Credit: Marvens Pierre

                      (l) Mervnide Pierre and Lodz Joseph (r)
                             Photo Credit: Marvens Pierre

Graduates, we heard your thank yous to us for being understanding when you went ghost-delayed responses to text messages and canceling your appearances because you had to study. You thanked us for traveling miles and missing work just to see you walk across a stage for less than a minute. Only to be followed by us screaming your name to the heavens despite administration probably butchering it, impromptu photo shoots, and of course food fellowship and drinks at the place of your liking. 

We heard you but in true black tradition, we must say to you, ubuntu. We are because you are, we acknowledge your efforts. Thank you for not only seeing yourself but for seeing the generations before you that migrated to this country to make a better way for you. Thank you for seeing the generations after you, for being a source of representation for the young brown and black bodies who are unable to see their way out of their hoods. Thank you for pushing through the countless sleepless nights and doubtful days throughout your academic journey. Thank you for turning your tears into triumph and your frustrations into fearlessness. Thank you because without you, the legacy of our black community would discontinue.

Thank you for saying, “Yes” when the systemic racism that is our American society said, “No.” Thank you because when they said slow down, you sped up. When you were given margins, you lunged outside of them. When you were given hurdles, you leaped over them and dapped the sky.

Class of 2017, you have passed the baton. You arrived to the dinner and instead of being on the menu, you sat at the table. You’re now out of the classroom but the lessons will not stop. You’re now a student of life equipped with the necessary tools to put theory into practice. As you professionally step into the degrees you have earned we now walk bolder hand in hand. We look forward to the affirming head nod, glance, and smile in the work place letting you know that we see you. You are not alone, you are not invisible. So shine brighter, stand taller, speak louder, we see you. 


Congratulations!

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