Lately, I’ve been exploring who I’ve been to myself and others.

In 2012, the young man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with died. His passing rattled me to the core, and even now, memories of what he represented still replay in my mind. His time in my life symbolized unconditional love. Until him, love was experienced through cold words and actions. As time progressed, I realized my growth was contingent on my ability to identify at which point in my life love through my lens equated frigidity. To no surprise, the pin on my cognitive map pointed to family. I am a first gen daughter to Haitian parents, healthy expression of love has been a toss up. So that means I have had to unlearn everything I was conditioned to associate love with.

In previous reflections, I have shared a glimpse of those unlearnings. However, the intentional process of unlearning began in June 2018 after a sobering revelation and a panic attack. Here I am, a year later still unlearning, taking notes, and applying them. It isn’t always easy to apply the notes, but it’s a daily effort. My efforts have also resulted in learning to be vulnerable in communication, expressing my needs, and asking for help. The challenging part has been discovering that everyone isn’t on this journey of unlearning what they’ve been conditioned to learn. Whether it’s been in friendships, romantic, or work relationships everyone’s journey is different and I’m now learning to take a step back from plants that aren’t growing with or even adjacent to me. Some have called my vulnerability brave, I’m just trying to be a better me for the future me and by God’s grace future family.

With vulnerability, comes intimacy. In my goal to build healthy intimate relationships with others, my story has to be shared. The collections in these posts are unfiltered diary reflections/letters that date back to 2011 - who I’ve been post undergrad and what I’ve learned.
I will travel, move, and meet new people.

This is me allowing you to see me.

Hopefully, it’ll help you to see you.